Dear Jim

Dear Jim,

Today I had a sad day. So, I texted Megan. She suggested that I write you a letter telling you everything that I felt. She then suggested that I read it out loud, rip it up, and move the fuck on. So, I'm going to do part of that. I'm writing it and then I'm moving the fuck on. I would hand write it and read it out loud, but quite frankly, I don't know if I care enough to take the time do do that. My hands would hurt and I would probably rush it, forgetting to say everything that I needed to say.

Because god knows there is a lot I need to say.

So here it goes Jim. This is how you made me feel:

When I met you at Joe's Memorial Day party, I wanted you. The way you looked at me and talked to me made me think that you wanted me too. It was in your eyes, they smiled when you talked to me. I knew I had to come over and talk to you. So, I sat on the ground with Colt and we talked about your kids and we talked about the cool things you've done in your life. I was so intrigued by you. And I knew... somehow I just knew that something would happen between us. I knew I would fuck you... for weeks I imagined how it would happen. I thought we would drink a little too much, and collapse onto your bed, passionately making love.

But, we all know that isn't how it happened.

A couple of days later, I went for a walk with Bella, and you drove by in your truck. You waved, I waved back and the butterflies in my stomach grew. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that you were on your way to see Danielle, but I didn't know about her at that point, I just knew that my super attractive neighbor waved at me... and I was happy.

Then, you were gone. I looked for you every time I went out side. But you weren't there.

Joe came over to talk about the infamous yard sale. I sat there hoping that he would mention you... and eventually he did. But it was bad news. He said that you were married, but you were on your way to see your girlfriend, Danielle, when you wrecked your truck, and got violently ill with kidney stones. Karma, he said, that's why it happened.

So, I was a little sad. I relayed the news to my closest friends, who had already heard about the crush I had on my awesome neighbor. And, as disappointed as I was, I did my best to get over it. I still had a crush... but a crush is just a crush.

A few days later, I went to the beach. I thought of you a lot during that trip. We all know how that ended. That's the night I got this scar. The scar that will forever remind me of you.

As soon as I realized that the stitches would have to come out, I knew I wanted you to be the one to take them out. I didn't care about your supposed wife or girlfriend, I just knew I would have a moment to talk to you again, to continue to be intrigued.

I remember Charlotte said something like "Hopefully he won't flirt with you." But, I wanted you to. And you did.

I remember when you first came over, you looked at me with those same eyes. You were so gentle. You told me not to mess with my hair. You said that I "looked great anyways" and that I "didn't have anyone to impress". But, yes I did... I had you.

I was secretly thrilled when you didn't take them all out that day. And, a couple of days later I went for a walk, hoping that I would see you as you drove home.

As fate had it, you got home just as I did. We stood in my driveway and you smelled so good. I wanted you. And I looked up, and there you were looking down on me with those eyes. I hate those fucking eyes. I wanted you to kiss me and for a moment I thought that maybe you would... but you didn't. So, I went inside, and dreamed of Friday, when you promised to come take out the rest of my stitches.

Friday came, and you showed up early. Colt woke up from his nap and you were so good with him. And once again, so gentle. As you were about to leave, you mentioned Joe. We both laughed and you sat down to talk. We figured out that we were both going to be home for the weekend (rather than going to the beach as we both had planned to do.)

How perfect. And even more perfect when you almost begged me to hang out with you. You were so persistent. But, I didn't know how to read your signals. Were you flirting or just being friendly... you were flirting. Fucking bastard. You knew right that, that was the first moment that you were dishonest. You were flirting, and you had information that I didn't. You didn't mention Danielle once.... fucking bastard.

So, you gave me your number and told me to text you. You said that you "hoped to hear from me".

So, I contacted everyone. Every friend I had told about you. All of them. I told them about our plans to hang out... I was so excited.

On Saturday, I got up and went to the gym. I tried to keep myself busy, so it would like like I just casually texted you. The truth is, I planned my whole day around you. I had to drink wine to calm my nerves. I was so nervous and so excited when you said you were coming over.

You got there, and sat far away on the couch. But, you did manage to flirt a little. And I liked it, and you still had that look in your eyes.

You took me to dinner. I will never know if you meant to pay or not, but you did. And, you opened my car door and you were such a gentleman.

You told some stories at dinner that I'm pretty sure weren't true. You also mentioned that your ex-wife lived in Alabama... but no mention of Danielle. Funny how that worked out. We talked about Joe and his date (Lisa). We had a good time. I enjoyed your company.

We went back to the fire. We made shadow puppets on the back of your house. I looked at the moon, wondering if I would get to kiss you that night. You talked to my mom... we laughed. I was awkward but you were perfect.

Will wanted cake. So we went to get cake. Mission unsuccessful. You made a joke about how you were using the handcuffs on me that night. You told me that we would have to share the one person seat. You massaged my shoulders. You made me think you wanted me.... you did want me.

We got back and Joe was in his room with that girl so we went to my house for the movie. We sat next to each other on the couch. Arms touch. Eventually holding hangs. Cuddling.

Will was there. Why didn't he say stop. Why did he let that happen.

Will left. I wanted you to kiss me. You didn't want the night to end either.

I let Bella in. I sat down. You looked at me out of the side of your eyes... those fucking eyes. So I kissed you. It was just a kiss, but you with your vacuum cleaner mouth, you kissed me like you wanted me... you did want me. I tried to pull you on top of me, just like I had known all along would happen. You pulled me onto your lap. We kissed so passionately. You touched me. I pulled you into my room.

We fucked.

It was great. So many positions. You seemed to care about my pleasure just as much as you cared about your own.

We broke the bookshelf.

"Why am I just now meeting you?"

Chest pain.

You said it was the first time you'd had sex since you got diagnosed with your heart condition.

Fucking liar.

You stayed the night. I wish I could replay that night in my mind. That one good night before it all got fucked up. That night that I felt like you were real.

Then the game began. I waited to hear from you. You waved when you drove by. I wondered if you wanted me.

On Wednesday, Charlotte and I went shopping. I bought you those cookies.

She asked me if I liked you. I told her you kissed me.

We decided that I needed to figure out if you were single. So, that night, I texted you.

We went for a walk. You walked me all the way to my car. When you were about to leave, I grabbed you, and we kissed. You leaned into me. It felt like you wanted me... you did want me.

I finally got the courage to ask... were you married? Was Danielle your girlfriend? You had mentioned that she was coming... that she was your friend.

You lied.

You lied and then we kissed.

I went inside, and right away you texted met o see if I wanted to ride to the store. We took a long road back. You said it was a little longer...almost like you wanted to spend more time with me... maybe you did.

We kissed in your car in front of my house. You suggested that we go park somewhere. I'd never fucked in a car before. But, I wanted you . I wanted to be wanted.

It was magic. It was storming. It was you. It was me, in the back seat of your Jeep.

Chest pains.

The next night, was the night it all came crashing down.

I was bored. Charlotte had friends over.

That was the night I dug deep enough on the internet to find out about Danielle.

I was devastated.

I talked to Megan. I text you...no reply.

I spend an hour talking to Joe in the driveway. He told me all about you.

But I didn't listen.

I planned to confront you. I planned to tell Danielle. But I wanted to talk to you first.

I didn't hear from you for days. You were helping kids at that camp because you are so fucking perfect. I texted you to apologize, to try to be friends. I was desperate. I told you that I would leave you alone if you didn't respond. But you did. You said you had no service. Fucking liar.

I watched you pull in on Sunday. I'd had a bottle of wine.

You said you were sick and didn't want to talk. But I made you text me.

You couldn't explain your actions. But, you told me you liked kissing me and being around me and spending time with me. I'd like to believe that was true. Was it true??

Danielle was coming the next day, Megan was coming a few days later... we would never really get to finish that conversation.

I saw Danielle's car in the driveway. I hated it, I hated her. I hated myself for not hating you.

Megan came.

On the forth of July you told me that you were going home to Boston. Megan  and I had been drinking, I was devastated. I counted the days until you would be gone. I hugged Megan, my joy was gone.

The next day, we decided to make some brownies. I didn't want to run into you, but I wanted you to know the brownies were from me. I wanted you to be reminded of me.

But then you answered the door. And there you were. So perfect. You invited us to a fire. I saw Danielle on the couch. I hated her.

You never texted us about the fire. I was drunk. We texted. You said Joe offered to "Take care of Jenny's needs"... was that a fucking lie?

The last text you sent me talked about "sleep walking somewhere to get your needs satisfied".... so I sent you a dirty reply... luckily my phone never sent it.

The next night, you texted me while I was at Wine and Design. You said that Joe was eating the vegan brownies. You left out the part where you told him to. Maybe you just wanted to text me?

You invited us to another fire. This time it really happened. I met your girlfriend. You made jokes. You talked to my mom, it was just like before except with Danielle. I hated her.

Everyone left. You tried to leave, but I made you stay. I helped you put away the fire, just because I wanted to be near you.

You said Danielle was in a pissed off mood... I knew why.

You walked me home. Two doors down, I could have made it. You went to walk way, and I pulled you into a kiss. But guess what, you were a foot taller, you could have resisted.

You stopped the kiss, you shook your head no. You said if we kept going, you would want to do more.

I said I really liked you. You said you liked me too, but you were going to Boston. You said you had a lot of thinking to do and that you didn't want to make a rash decision. I still don't know what you meant.

I said I was jealous of your girlfriend... she was the one in your bed. You told me that I was the one you were jerking off to in the shower... like that was supposed to make me feel better. You asked me to send you pictures. I didn't that night.

You told me that you couldn't control yourself around me. You asked why we didn't meet sooner. You said everything I was thinking... you "even touched my foot".... I wanted you. I thought I had you.

You sent me that video... with your girlfriend in the next room.... I thought I'd won.

That night, I asked when we could hang out. You gave me your work schedule.

All week, I'd texted you. You ignored me. I sent you some men spirited messages. You said you were sick. I felt bad.

That was the week you helped with my tire. I texted you the next day, you ignored me again. So, the next day I went over.

You convinced me that you were just so sick. And maybe you were... who fucking knows.

We kissed. You looked so pitiful and cute. I wanted you. You tickled me. We kissed... we started fucking.... chest pains.

Then you suddenly had to leave. You wore nice clothes and smelled good, carrying your uniform.

Who knows where the fuck you went.

A few days later, I washed my car. I spent hours, waiting for you to get home. You did, you helped. So, I texted you to apologize for being crazy... you said we were fine. I asked if we could hang out one more time before we both left. You said yes.

Once again, you ignored my text. So, after a long day of driving one of Charlotte's friends around and fighting with Charlotte herself, I just knocked on your door again. I knew you were trying to resist. I didn't know why. I didn't know why you wouldn't want to hang out one more time. We started kissing on the couch, and then Will came home. I left, wondering if I'd ever see you again.

But you came over that night. We watched the hangover. I'd had a bottle of wine, but made myself sober up. We cuddled. You growled and put your arm around me. I loved you for a moment.

I laid with my head in your lap. You put your hands between my legs, I tried to relax, to let you bring me to orgasm, but I couldn't. I faked it.

I got up and went to the bathroom and I came back. We were missing the movie, but I just wanted to fuck you.

I climbed on your lap. I pulled my shirt over my head, you took off my bra. You pulled on my pants, I pulled them off, pulled down your shorts, gave my best attempt at a blow job.

I climbed on top, letting you inside of me.

I pulled you into my room. We fucked. Doggy style... missionary, we fucked for a long time.

Chest pains.

But this time they were so much scarier. I thought you might die in my bed.

I'd never been so scared. You went home. You made it through the night.... and then Danielle came.

The day I left, I called. You came over to say goodbye.

You kissed me. You held on tight.

And then you were gone.

But things seemed right between us.

So, after a few days, when you still hadn't added me on facebook, and my happiness was still hanging by a thread. I decided to end it. I told you I cared, I told you everything... and then I said goodbye for what I thought was for good.

Things were good between us.

But then came the wine. I texted you. You ignored it, but I knew that if I were sexual you would respond. And, you did.

We sent videos, we texted, pictures.... I wanted you to want me.... and you did.

But then the messages stopped. And I started to worry. Worry that you'd forget about me. Worry that you were dead. I thought you were in Boston. I wanted answers to all of the questions I had. I wanted you to visit me on your way to Arizona for your heart surgery.

So I got on the internet, and Google was good to me.

I found comments you had posted about going to Arkansas to be with Danielle and go to school. I figured out your game. I realized how much you had lied.

I was pissed.

I called Megan and the first words out of her mouth were "Tell Danielle".

So I did. I told Danielle. Unfortunately, I tipped you off first.

So, I got text assaulted by you first. You said the meanest things. You told me to leave you alone... lots of threats.

But, I pressed on. I knew you had intercepted the message and I knew you were freaking out. So, I sent you one last message. The longest text I've ever sent. I told you it was all your fault.

And then I messaged Danielle again, this time getting through.

We talked on the phone, you listened. You denied everything.... but after a few days, lots of texting and emailing between me and Danielle, she knew the truth. She said she kicked out out and broke up with you... I'm still waiting to see if that is true.

And this is our story... but now I need to tell you how I feel about it.

When things started I thought you were perfect. I was so shocked when you seemed to be attracted to me.Was my self esteem really that low?

You made me feel a certain way. It wasn't about all of the interesting things that you'd done, or who you said you were. It was about how I felt when I was around you.

In fact, I was going to tell you that. When your lies first started coming out, I was going to tell you that they didn't matter, that I liked you anyway. I'm so glad I never got that chance.

You manipulated me. You told me you might die.... who the fuck lies about that. You said you were in Boston with your kids... why would you lie? I knew you were committed to Danielle. If you would have told the truth, she still wouldn't know.

But you lied. You lied so much, and now I 'm caught in this special kind of Hell. I'm stuck between missing the Jim that I thought existed, and Hating the one that really does.

I hate what you did to me. You led me on, you lied to me. You put me on an emotional roller coaster that I didn't deserve.

I hate what you did to Danielle too. I'll admit I hated her at first. I was jealous. I wanted you to want me more. But through this whole thing, I've realized that I like her better than I like you. She is so nice, she is so innocent. She is so honest. All of the things that you aren't.

It sucks because I'd really like to talk to her. She seems like she'd be a good friend, like someone who I'd like to cry to about this whole fucked up situation. But I can't. I know what she is going through is worse. She loved you. She let you move into her home. She was planning a life with you. But, I can never be her friend... and that is because of you Jim. Fucking bastard.

I'm tired Jim. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I just want you to be gone. I want this out of my life. I want to forget you.

Sometimes I get sad when I realize that I will probably never hear your voice again. I still have videos and pictures and messages from you on my phone, because it is all I have left. That's it... that is what our relationship boiled down to.

I was a notch in your belt... but the funny thing is, I could have loved you.

I'm so glad that we didn't meet in October. I'm glad you didn't get to lie to me for that long.

Who the fuck were you Jim???

I need to stop obsessing. I need to stop waiting for Danielle's relationship status to change, because maybe it isn't going to. I need to let you be gone.

And I hope this letter helps.

I hope you don't think I told her to spite you or to get back at you. It's just that I had spent so much time protecting the person who I thought you were... but when I realized that person wasn't real, I had to stop... I had to do the right thing.

I hope you will forgive me. And I hope that someday we can talk again. Once I've moved on. Once I'm past the point that I could let myself fall for you, despite knowing your true colors. I hope that our story has a happier ending than this. Because I miss you I thought you were, and I hope that somewhere out there... he exists.

I should start of by saying 'sorry that I haven't posted in a couple of weeks', but trust me, I've been busy!

Things are going well here in Linden, NC. I'm settling pretty well into my new home, and falling more in love with baby Colt every day.

After my last post, my mom and aunt Gayle came for a visit. It was nice having them around, and I know that my mom feels much more relaxed now that she knows where I am living. They also brought the rest of my stuff, which has really made my room feel more like home.  Hopefully I can upload some pictures in the next couple of weeks, so you can see what I've done with the place!

Since my last post, I've met quite a few of Charlotte's Army friends. We've been to Fort Bragg a couple of times, where I was able to meet some of her coworkers, and the other day, we went to visit her friend Alicia, who is the mother of one year old twins, named Olive ad Bodie. Super cute kids!

Tomorrow is my first day watching Colt alone. Charlotte is getting some much needed rest in the form of a massage! Wish me luck!!!

#nannylife

It has been almost two weeks since I arrived at my new home, and I can already feel this place turning into my home.

Things here are very different from home. First of all, there is always a little baby around. He loves to eat, listen to music, and be swaddled and swayed back and forth. He is also pretty fond of sucking on my fingers, which is the only thing that can calm him down during long car rides.

Speaking of long rides, earlier this week the three of us, plus Bella (the dog), took a two night trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It was my first time visitng the ocean, so I had a lot of fun!

Apart from the ever present new born, there are many other changes that I've had to make pretty quickly: We go to bed early around here, and get up even earlier. But I feel more rested than I ever have, and the days seem to last a lot longer when I don't sleep until noon! Charlotte is also very health conscious. We eat all organinc, which is surprisiningly easy.

We went shopping at Trader Joe's yesterday, which has a lot of local organic foods. I'm excited to try out all of the things we have planned for the next couple of weeks!

Well anyways, I guess I better get to bed! My mom and Aunt Gayle are coming in two days, so I'm sure I'll post again soon!

In the beginning...

I have been in my new home in Linden, North Carolina for three days! Our ride down seemed to go fast and there was a lot of nice scenery, driving through the  Appalachian Mountains. The closer we got, the more excited I was to see then place I'm going to live and to meet the precious baby boy that I am going to be spending so much time with.  On top of that, I was so ready to see Charlotte, who seems to be doing a great job adjusting to motherhood!

It seems strange to be in a new place. Once my aunt and uncle leave, which could be as early as tomorrow, the only people I will know will be Char and Colt. I'm exited to meet new people and hopefully learn a little more about who I am and what I want to do in life.

I really like my new home. The house isn't big but it is really nice, and I have my own space, and it seems like there will be a lot to do around here. I'm excited to get to know my way around and figure out what my favorite places will be.

Baby Colt is even more perfect than I could have imagined. He makes the sweetest little faces, especially when he is sleeping, and he really only cries when he is hungry.  I just love holding him!

I'm excited to be starting this new phase in my life.

If you would have asked me a year ago what I would be doing now, this is the farthest thing from what I would have imagined. But, it just feels right. I know that, at this time in my life, this is where I am meant to be.

And I couldn't be happier.

Happy... Parents? Day

It seems like my dad always gets the short end of the stick. For the past few years, I've been away at school on his birthday, and this year I will be at my new home, in Linden, North Carolina, for Father's Day. To make up for it, my family celebrated both Mother's day and Father's day today. 

My dad received a book about the NBA from his favorite, and only, daughter. My mom got a coffee mug on with my face on it...

I'd say it was a pretty great day, which is good because I don't have many days left here. 

I leave for North Carolina in a little over a week. So, between packing and planning, I'm trying to slip in little of moments of quality time with the people who mean the most to me. Who knows, these may be the last few days that I spend calling this place home.